May I Be Excused?

Sorry for my extended absence, I have just now awoken from the food coma I've been in for the last couple of weeks. All the eating out...ugh. Work people in town, friend people in town, me out of town, Super Bowl party... I'd like to say it's over, but I've got dinner plans this week, too, in the relative seclusion of a-night-that-is-
not-Wednesday-and-does-not-feature-heart-shaped-anything-for-dessert.

The pièce de résistance of all this food was the Junior League Crab Feed, to which I dragged Tracy, because all the liquor in the world can't make me show up for something like that alone. Now, I've been to all manner of food-related fundraisers -- Pancake Breakfast, Spaghetti Dinner, Prime Rib Dinner, Friday Night Fish Fry (on second thought, I've been to all manner of Catholic School food-related fundraisers) -- but the notion of a Crab Feed was new to me. They're all the rage in Northern California, though, everyone from my neighborhood Catholic School to the Kiwanis Club to, apparently, the Junior League, hosts one in the late winter/early spring. I learned from my mistakes last year, and this time around, Tracy and I were prepared.

~ Appetizer ~

Preparation is key. Use this time before dinner to channel MacGyver and rig up some contraption in which to melt butter. All you need is a ramekin, a wire stand, a tealight, a lighter, and, of course, your trusty Swiss Army knife.



Begin drinking the wine.



~ Soup ~

Your dinner ticket was paid for long ago. Go spend more money on any number of raffle prizes. It's for charity! Pour a fresh glass and toast your winnings.



~ Salad ~

Dinner is served, in several rounds, beginning 23 minutes after the time printed on your ticket and in tonight's program. Watch in horror as the couple across from you mangle the communal bread and somehow end up with a piece half on the bread plate, half on her plate and wonder what Miss Manners would recommend you do, now that someone is requesting the bread be passed to them. In the absence of a good answer, resort to drinking.

~ Sorbet ~

Silent auction bidding ends at 8:00 pm. Remember, it's for charity!

~ Entrée ~

Enter the crab. And, exit the crab remains.



~ Amusements ~

Live auction of a gorgeous mink coat, beautifully modeled by a Junior Leaguer, but poorly moderated by the D.J. (a Junior Leaguer's husband) who failed to recognize bids from anyone seated more than two tables away from the stage. Bidding started at $600, with reminders every $50 that "It's for charity!" Lament the fact that you didn't institute a shot-for-every-mention-of-charity-rule. Put this on the mental list for next year. Drink more wine to ease the pain of not owning a mink coat in the foreseeable future.

~ Dessert and Coffee ~

As the food is cleared away, so are some of the tables near the stage. The lights go down, the music is turned up and soon it's a house party, Junior League Style! The fun only lasts until 10 pm, though...people's babysitters need to get home.