In Honor of Valentine's Day...

Some relationship advice from someone who has been there, done that. Or seen it on TV. Names have been omitted to protect the idiots.

[Editor's note: these may sound rather snarky, but really, they're meant to be funny. In an ironic-funny sort of way. In an I-can't-make-this-shit-up sort of way. Because, seriously, I couldn't possibly make this shit up.]

• If, in a social scene where everyone knows everyone, all your friends are surprised the two of you are dating, all his friends are surprised the two of you are dating, and you find yourself a bit surprised the two of you are dating, perhaps there's a lesson to be learned. And that lesson is: the two of you should not be dating.
  
• If you spend your time on the phone with him reading, taking notes and highlighting your history book, and subsequently score a 99% on the midterm exam, get a clue: you're just not that into him. And, the two of you should not be dating.
  
• If you meet someone at a conference and you're concerned about breaching the bounds of professionalism, check to see that he's not sharing a room with a colleague. This is especially important if he works for a cost-conscious government or non-profit entity. Because there's throwing-professionalism-
  to-the-wind and then there's having-his-colleague-witness-
  the-face-sucking-and-complete-lack-of-professionalism-firsthand. And, the two of you should not be dating. The two of them maybe...
  
• If you're picking him up after a weekend away wearing nothing but a negligee, stiletto heels and a trench coat, do not go speeding through Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. At midnight. With no one else around. Not only will you win yourself a ticket, the Arlington County policemen will not believe you when you insist that you haven't been drinking, and will subject you to not one, but three field sobriety tests. No, this piece of advice has nothing to do with relationships, but the experience was damn funny!
  
• If you pick him up from a weekend away wearing nothing but a negligee, stiletto heels and a trench coat, speeding through the airport and earning yourself a ticket from policemen who do not believe your claims of sobriety, and you still don't get any, just leave. He does not deserve you, and the two of you should not be dating.
  
• If you spend the majority of your relationship trying to figure out how to set him up with your sister, dump him already. Please. The two of you should not be dating.
  
• If he slips a line in an e-mail informing you that he's gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend, get one of your engineering friends to figure out a way you can reach through the DSL lines and strangle him with your own bare hands. Because that's the only thing that's going to make you feel any better. Barring that, call and leave really bitchy voice mail messages for him at 1:30 in the morning. They won't ever be returned, but that fact will conveniently escape his tiny little brain and he will swear that he always calls you back. And guess what? The two of them should not be dating.
  
• If, months after you've broken up, he gives you (via a friend) a ring and a letter begging to be part of your life again, feel free to return the ring (via a friend), along with a lovely fuck-you-gram. When he trashes you to all of his friends and your mutual friends, calling you an Uppity Bitch, go ahead and laugh like the Uppity Bitch you know you are. And be glad (a) someone finally came up with a creative nickname for you and (b) the two of you are no longer dating.
  
• If, on the day before Thanksgiving, the guy you've been dating exclusively for the past four months (but refuses "boyfriend-girlfriend" terminology) unabashedly states that he doesn't "feel compelled to send you flowers," do not resist the urge to (a) hit him; (b) burst into tears; (c) storm out of the house, slamming the door behind you; (d) all of the above. And for the love of Pete, do not proceed to spend Thanksgiving with him simply because you'd already extended the invitation. Because, really? No one is required to be that nice. And, the two of you should not be dating.
  
• Finally, if you take a job that requires you to move 3000 miles away, spend the last few weeks locked in your home and office and do nothing but pack. Do not go to happy hour, do not meet someone, do not like him, do not start dating, and, most of all, do not – DO NOT – enter into a long-distance relationship. Not because it won't work out (it might) but because it will EAT YOU ALIVE. That is all.