Desire

Originally written October 15, 2005

I just watched the West Wing episode "King Corn," where the candidates are in Iowa for the Corn Growers Convention, ahead of the caucuses...the one where Donna and Josh have hotel rooms across the hall from each other, but nothing happens. It originally aired January 26, 2005, and I recall seeing it in that general time frame, probably that weekend.

I didn't even watch the whole episode, just the first and last few minutes. And now I'm close to tears. It makes me want to be in Iowa in January. It makes me want to work on a presidential campaign. It makes me miss Mark and my DC life (which are so terribly, inextricably linked) like crazy.

And now I am crying, the kind of tears that wash away all the day's mascara without any trouble.

It's hard for me to tell if a job on the Hill would actually make me happy. Or if just being back in DC would do the trick. I know everything will work out in the end (it always does, particularly in my professional life), but I don't know how much time and mental energy I should be devoting to it right now. Am I just spinning my wheels? Do I need to learn to be more patient? Or is being proactive a virtue? Am I lusting after something that's only a good thing in my head? (And yes, I'm referring to both a job on the Hill and Mark, simultaneously. See how tricky this is???)

Why does Mark feel like the last vestige of my DC life? It's not like he was a major part of it, during my 33 months there. I think it's because he has what I want: the life of an accomplished Hill staffer, permanently based in DC.

UPDATE: I went off in search of the bittersweet, tug-at-my-heartstrings song that closes the episode, guessing the title was Desire. Oh yes, I got the title right. And who's the artist? None other than Ryan Adams. Fuck. The fun never ends.

Desire

Two hearts fading, like a flower.
And all this waiting, for the power.
For some answer, to this fire.
Sinking slowly. The water's higher.
Desire

With no secrets. No obsession.
This time I'm speeding with no direction.
Without a reason. What is this fire?
Burning slowly. My one and only.
Desire

You know me. You don't mind waiting.
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire