Love Thursday: Friends Rock (As Do Martinis) Edition
I've been thinking about how to write this for a few days, because I hadn't figured everything out yet and I didn't want to be overly dramatic or anything, you know? But, here it is: I hate the Junior League.
Of course, I really don't. Life is never that simple. Rather, I love the League and I strongly believe in its mission of promoting voluntarism and developing the potential of women and improving communities, all while wearing your best strand of pearls. Junior League was one of my favorite activities in DC and I met several women who are just to-die-for, both on a personal and professional level. Oh yeah, and we did some amazing things for the community, which is why I joined in the first place.
But out here, it's a different story. I've been to seven general meetings now and each time I leave, I am just SAD. (Ok, one time I left and wasn't more than two steps into the parking lot before I started sobbing.) The women are perfectly nice people, it's just that they're married and have children and stay at home and drive expensive SUVs and my god I was in a room with thirty of them the other night and there had to have been fifty carats worth of diamonds on display. And it's not that there's anything WRONG with that life, in fact, it's a life that I very much want (yes to the diamonds, no to the SUV), and I don't begrudge any of them that life, but IT'S NOT MY LIFE, and while I am fine one-on-one with people who are married and having thriving families and whatnot, I cannot take the overwhelming, smothering effect of being in a room with that many people who have what I want but don't have and may never achieve.
And it's that part about "may never achieve" that feels like a weight bearing down on my chest, right over my heart, that causes the cloud of sadness and is, as I write this, enough to bring tears to my eyes. And then I feel guilty about being whiny and sad about it, because you know what? Life's not fair. You get what you get and you don't get to cry about it. (This has to be my second-most common mantra, after "We all make choices." Which, yes. Moving to California was a choice. Deal.)
As if that weren't enough, there is the added bonus of feeling that I DO NOT BELONG HERE, which is a pretty tough thing to accept, as it implicitly casts doubt on my decision to move to California in the first place. And doubt is simply not allowed to be a part of my life. Finally, I end up feeling like a terrible person because if the worst thing I have to worry about is that there are too many moms in Junior League, well then I've got it pretty damn good, so just shut up already.
And then, 24 hours pass, and I get to hang out and drink martinis with one of the four unmarried, unchildrened women in Sacramento and life is all better, even if I can't prevent myself from spilling things. Twice. Thanks, darlin'.
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7 Comments:
I totally understand. And as much as I tell my middle-schoolers that they have an over-developed sense of fairness, sometimes "Life isn't fair" is a bitter pill to swallow.
Wow, and there I was, married and seriously considering having children, reading about all your amazing accomplishments on the campaign trail, with your high-power career, ambition and brains to teach yourself new skills and apply them where they're needed, ability to squeeze in time to volunteer to make the world a better place while still having an incredibly packed, fun social life, and the freedom to visit awesome places like Yosemite... and I'm thinking, those are all the things I want but don't have and may never achieve. I guess the grass is always greener...
:-)
Sigh.
I guess that's a universal truth -- we all want something that we don't have. So, news flash, Kate: YOU'RE HUMAN. Carry on, then.
Replace "Sacramento" with "San Antonio" and "the women at the Junior League" with "everyone" and there you have my life for those 2 1/2 years. And also the reason I moved.
First of all, many big hugs and another round of martinis. Second, tonight my friend Aimee was telling me about your comment on my last post...she was super impressed by your honesty and willingness to call me out (her words). As always, I am too.
Want to feel a smidge better? Today my sister, my 20 year old baby sister, called to tell me she's engaged. I did not say what I was thinking (are you f-ing kidding me with this?). Nor did I break down and sob that my younger sisters have both had engagement rings before me. But I sure wanted to.
Oh yes, I definitely see many martinis in our collective futures.
You are such a lovely, smart, witty, fun person! Don't despair--everything you want will happen when you least expect it.
I hope it will happen for you faster than it did for me--but whenever it happens, it's magic.
When I finally got truly happy with being alone -- loved my job, my house, my life and was beginning the adoption process as a single parent -- THAT'S when my penpal of over 8 years suddenly decided we had to meet in person. I said "Hell NO, you will ruin our friendship!" but he insisted. We were married January 15, 2005, and I am loved as I have never been loved before.
It will happen for you. Get truly happy alone, and I promise, that amazing love will come into your life! Don't settle. Someone is going to be simply overwhelmed with love for you...and he'll be a helluva lucky guy!
You are probably waiting for the perfect match; the rest of us just marry someone who seems perfect before you have any sense at all about what perfect really would be and find out later you are not a very good match but its too late and you already have kids and you're stuck and broke because of the kids education and then you get divorced and its very very painful. Its just a different kind of pain than you have.
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