How to Waste Spend a Perfectly Good Tuesday Night. And Thirty Dollars.

1. Gather recommendations from your friend as to the best self-tanner to use.

2. Vaguely remember reading something about self-tanner recommendations and application tips on somebody's blog. Google it, unsuccessfully. Browse a few; fail to locate whatever it was you read.

3. Go to Target in search of recommended self-tanner. Fail to locate it.

4. Locate bronzer instead, as suggested by Amalah, completely unsure as to how it's going to look on you. Debate over whether "Baked Bronze" is lighter or darker than "Baked Tan." Buy the "Baked Bronze" and hope for the best.

5. Go to Rite Aid in search of recommended self-tanner. Locate and purchase it, along with the special oil-free self-tanner for faces.

6. Go for a run. (Yes, it's a vital part of the beauty regimen.)

7. Run water for a bath.

8. Remember you've needed to change your toenail polish for the past two weeks. Remove old toenail polish. Worry for the thousandth time that your toenail is actually going to fall off one day. Hope desperately that today's not the day. Note that it hurts like hell. Again. Wonder if medical attention would be wise. Again. Decide no. Again.

9. Bathe. Shave your legs well, as you're not going to want to shave after you've applied the self-tanner because it'll scrape the tan right off.

10. Exfoliate. Be sure to use an exfoliant that's sea salt-based. That way, you can literally rub salt into the wounds you've just created by shaving. You'll know you're on the right track when your skin turns pink. Continue exfoliating until the skin is red and raw.

11. After the exfoliating is done, wash off with soap and water. Because, of course, the sea salt-based exfoliating scrub contains glycerin, and the glycerin will reduce the efficacy of the self-tanner, in which case you'll be spending Wednesday night doing this all over again.

12. Dry completely.

13. Apply self-tanner. Try to avoid rough skin like knees and elbows and all fabric within fifty yards. Attempt to keep the amount of self-tanner you spill on the floor to a minimum. Be glad they're hardwood floors -- the self-tanner blends right in.

14. Wonder how to prevent your hands from being twice as dark as the rest of you. Have visions of baby wipes and suddenly remember on whose blog you read self-tanner tips. Make a mental note to review that post before the next time you apply self-tanner.

15. Dance around naked for five minutes, until which time the bottle tells you you can put clothes on.

16. Apply special oil-free self-tanner for faces to face.

17. Assume the five minutes is up, because, really, you've got to get on with your exciting life. Get dressed.

18. Skip dinner.

19. Paint your toenails instead. Lament again over the ugly toenail, but take solace in the fact that the nail polish covers it up. Does nothin' for the pain, though.

20. Blog about the nineteen-step process it takes to beautify oneself and desperately wish you'd been born male so you could've avoided this whole shenanigan. Wonder if you couldn't prep for the NYC Marathon in less time than this took.